cleejh2002: (scream)
2023-10-12 09:55 am
Entry tags:

The Villain

The Villain – You Choose

 

Many miles away…

 

 

It was more of a cavern than a cave.  One could find it near the shoreline, but back in the rocky crevices and beach grass.  It was wide and tall at the entrance, and very dark and dank.  On either side, one lone torch enlightened the dark and deep shadows.

 

He was alone, in the back of this cavern.  He was dressed entirely in black.  Not tall.  On Earth, his resemblance would conjure up a likeness to Danny Devito, but with more of an evil side.  Not funny. Not a comedian. Not smiling.  He wore a scowl as his expression, with most of his face in the shadows.

 

Along the back wall of this cave was a long wooden table, and he sat before it. The surface was scattered with papers.  He held one in his hand entitled INTEL in bold red print.

 

His eyebrow quirked and he ran a finger along one of the words. “Sadness.”  He grunted and nodded to himself.  He set the paper down and circled the word with his black pen, and then wrote next to it.  “Weapon.”

 

The waves began to encroach upon the shore as the tide changed.  Soon, this cavern would be engulfed in water, the torches extinguished, and the space empty.  But for now, the villain concentrated on his work.  He picked up a file folder marked “Allison and Carolee” and put the “Intel” document inside.  He tapped it closed with another nod and a grunt. 

 

 

You Choose

 

1.     Sadness

2.     Fear

3.     Anger

cleejh2002: (tea)
2023-09-27 09:28 am
Entry tags:

You Choose 10

You Choose 10:  into the house
 
Carolee followed Lucas into the house. "This is a sanctuary," Lucas tells her.
 
This first main space was mostly bare. The walls were painted an almost turquoise but paler blue.  On entrance, in the right corner, was a wood fireplace, and in front of that a leather sofa full of dark colored pillows and a comfy soft blanket.  This sofa faced the glass doors, so you could see out into the front yard.
 
There was no other furniture in the room, but there are six doors to other rooms.  On the left, from front to back of the house, are doors 1, 2, and 3.  On the right side of the house, again from front to back, is 4, 5, and 6.  Dark brown wooden doors without windows; just the door and a gold doorknob.  
 
Lucas told me to enter the door marked 1 first.  “This room is the memory room,” he said.  Carolee entered and saw various portraits on the walls of her life.  These pictures were from the past, the present, all types of memories, the good and the bad.  
 
When she opened this door, it looked more like a long hallway than a room.  It was dark.  Wood paneling covered the walls, along with the pictures.  It seemed musty and dark.  It was very strange.  Carolee had an almost visceral feeling that she didn’t want to be in that room.  She didn’t focus on any of the pictures.  She didn’t want to see.  Even though she knew there were good and happy pictures too, she did not want “to go there.”  As soon as Lucas told her she could leave that room, she did, without a glance back and with relief.
 
Next, Lucas pointed out the second door. “This is the healing room,” he said, coaxing her inside.
 
This room truly was a sanctuary.  When Carolee opened the door, she felt welcomed.  She was facing glass windows instead of an outside wall, and a beach was visible with the beautiful ocean.  It was night out, and the stars twinkled in the evening sky.  She could hear the rhythm of the waves.  
 
In the center of the room was a giant four poster bed.  The sheets were all white, with huge soft pillows and blankets.  It looked inviting and comforting.  Next to the bed was a small table with a lamp and a book.  Bookshelves covered the walls nearest the door and next to the bed on both sides, before the windows took over.  Soft candles were lit all through the shelving.
 
At the wall at the foot of the bed was another fireplace, but this one was gas.  And to the left of the fireplace, near the glass wall in the corner, was a sunken spa, with steam flowing up towards the ceiling from the surface of the healing waters.
 
This was a place of warmth, and comfort, relaxation, and peace. It was a truly healing place.
 
Carolee didn’t want to leave, but Lucas wanted to show her the next room, door 3.  “This next room is a place where you are to visit a mentor or any other visitors here for guidance or advice.”   As Carolee entered, straight away she noticed the window with another view of the ocean. It was daylight now, with a slight warm breeze coming through the open window.  It smelled like salt from the sea.  On the right was yet another gas fireplace, providing a coziness to the small room.  There was a dark desk to the left of the window, and a mentor was standing with his profile to Carolee and Lucas.  Books and various papers covered the desk, and there was another chair on the other side of the desk, inviting anyone to sit.  Carolee also noticed to the left of the door is a dog bed, and Jack had curled up in its center.
 
Lucas gently nodded towards the man in profile behind the desk.  “Listen to what the mentor says.”
 
Carolee took a small step towards the desk to listen.   The mentor softly said, “You’re doing the right thing.”  Then he faded away.  Carolee gasped, but Lucas had already taken her hand and led her out of that room and to the next.
 
When they left that room, they both hovered for a moment in the center of the larger space.  Carolee take a deep breath, and then Lucas turned her to the upper right side of this space and opened the door to room 4.  
 
It is more of a large walk-in closet than a room.  There are two long racks of clothes on either side.  Some outfits Carolee recognized, and some she did not. Lucas whispered, “These outfits all represent feelings, or times in your life.  Good times, and not so good times. 
 
Carolee saw several sun dresses that she used to love to wear while in Mexico on the beach, or on vacation.  She saw comfortable t-shirts and shorts.  Lots of various blue jeans.  Some button-down blouses.  Carolee also saw her old motorcycle outfit consisting of an old dark blue helmet, black leather jacket, comfortable old Levi jeans, riding boots, and leather chaps.  She recalled how she felt in that outfit.  She felt safe, and powerful, and in control.  No one could tell if she was man or woman.  Carolee was just was a human, on the bike, roaring up the road. 
 
Lucas told her to pick out an outfit and put it on and to explain why she chose that particular outfit. 
 
“There are two outfits,” she began.  “One I don’t want to explain, and it doesn’t give me a good feeling, but it’s pulling at me.  But I’m putting on the second outfit.” Carolee turned away from this first outfit, without further explanation.
 
The second outfit is a white t-shirt with the number 17 on it.  The number has no significance that Carolee is aware of, except it looked fun and comfy.  She accompanied this shirt with cut off blue jean shorts.  It seemed like a nice outfit for summer, and for sitting in the sand at the beach.  
 
After leaving that room, Carolee and Lucas turn to door number 5.  Lucas explained, “This room is the control center for mind and body.  See the buttons and levers with labels such as ‘anxiety,’ ‘fear,’ ‘motivation, and relaxed?”
 
It seemed like the giant cockpit of an airplane with all those intimidating and overwhelming controls.  On the right side there was a wall of computer monitors, like in a security system.  The monitors were flickering but Carolee can’t decipher or clarify what anything is right now.  And even though the room feels a bit intimidating, something tells her it’s okay, that she will figure out all this eventually, and that she doesn’t need to worry about it right now.  That belief comes from inside her, and not from Lucas.
 
They leave this room and enter the last door, room 6.  Lucas smiles.  “This is my favorite room.  It’s the library.”
 
What’s amusing is as soon as Carolee opened this room, instead of a library she sees it as if it’s the dining room out of the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland.  Lots of shelves and books, but also a huge dining table with laughing ghosts flying in circles in the sky. But it’s not scary.  It’s amusing.  However, Carolee blinked a few times and a library comes into view. 
 
There is wall to wall books in every possible space.  In the center of the room is a huge leather sofa with throw pillows and a blanket.  There is also a gray cat curled on the end of the sofa, purring in its sleep.  This is a perfect place to curl up with a book.  And straight ahead is another veranda with the doors wide open facing a beach.  A comfortable chaise lounge is there, with a mug of tea on a side table, and the lulling sounds of the ocean.  And lastly, hanging from the ceiling in the center of the room above the sofa is a stunning chandelier.
 
Lucas and Carolee leave the library and hover inside the main sanctuary.  Carolee emits a huge sigh and smiles slightly.  A slight frown crosses her face when she thinks of door 1. Shouldn’t she love every room in this house if it is a sanctuary?  But that one does not give off good vibes, and that bothers her.  
 
You Choose
 
1. Back to Allison
2. Behind the house
3. The Villain
 
 
 
 
 
cleejh2002: (book)
2023-08-03 09:53 am
Entry tags:

You Choose 9

 Almost without thought, Carolee slipped her hand into his.  It was almost as if her hand had a mind of its own, and this compulsion over took her.  It was pleasant, however.  His hand was warm, and it sent a tingle up her arm.  But before she could decipher anything more everything began to swirl and fog swept up her thoughts.  She felt like she was spinning through the air. She clamped her eyes shut and held on tightly. She felt him squeeze her fingers in reassurance.  Then, just as suddenly as it had come, it passed.  The torment turned into warmth and sunlight.  She could hear birds chirping and felt the heat of the morning sun on her face.  Slowly she opened her eyes.  

The man let go of her hand, and she spun around to look at her new surroundings.  They were in the front yard of a gorgeous mansion.  A dark forest sat behind the house, and a beautiful lake was in the foreground of the home.  "Where am I?"

Before she could turn to ask the man, she heard a loud, happy sounding bark, and a red retriever bounded into the yard.  It spun around the man, tail wagging back and forth, and then promptly bolted over to Carolee, rubbing it's body against her legs.

The man sighed and rolled his eyes at the dog.  "That's Jack," he said.  "The most un-ferocious dog in all of Coloden.  Jack, sit!"

The dog sunk to his haunches, tongue lolling, smiling at Carolee.  She bent down and began to pet the dog.  Then she turned her face up to the man.  "You know, I have a lot of questions, but the first is... you didn't tell me your name."

"That's not a question," he grunted.  He took off his hat and ran his fingers through his hair before placing it back on his head.  "Come on," he said, whether to her or the dog or both, Carolee wasn't sure. But she followed him up to the house.

"My name is Lucas," he said, as he put another key into the front door.

YOU CHOOSE:  Where to?

1.  Into the house
2.  Back to Allison
3.  Somewhere completely new


cleejh2002: (Default)
2023-07-13 11:44 am
Entry tags:

You Choose 8

 Knock...knock...knock

Several seconds later, more insistent:  knock...knock...KNOCK!

"Huh?"

Carolee's eyes opened quickly.  She was lying on the living room floor, next to a closed book and an open, empty chest.  Her mouth was half open, and she realized with chagrin she was drooling.  She sat up and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.  A crumpled napkin with cookie crumbs lay next to her, and she wiped her hands off on that.

KNOCK KNOCK!


"Oh!  It's the door!"  Carolee exclaimed in surprise, and stiffly made her way up from the floor and went to the door.  There was no eye hole to peer into in order to see who was outside knocking.  Earlier, Carolee had tried every door and window and they had been locked.  She put her hand on the door knob to check, and found it was still locked.  "Who is it?" She called out. "I'm sorry, I can't unlock the door."

She heard a frustrated sigh and mumbling, and then, surprisingly a jingle of keys.  "I'm coming in," said the male voice.

Carolee's eyes widened.  She took a step back. Several thoughts went through her mind.  They had a key, so they must belong to the place.  Was she in trouble?  Was she in danger?  Did they know where Allison was?  And what time was it?  How long had she been asleep?  All of these thoughts and more tumbled through her mind as the door was unlocked and pushed open.

Bright sunlight blinded her for a moment before a man's form abruptly cast a shadow, blocking the morning sun.  And it was morning.  Carolee could hear the birds chirping, and sense the dew on the Earth and the sun slowly rising in the sky.  

"May I enter?"  The voice sounded slightly amused yet cautious.

"Oh, ummm... sorry."  Carolee took another step back.  "Okay."

Another amused chuckle.  The man entered, taking a fedora off of his head.  He closed the door behind him and glanced around the room.  He noted the book and the chest, the cookie crumbs, and the various luggage in the room.  "Not again," he said to himself.  Then he glanced up at Carolee and said, "There was just another one of you, correct?  Two were on the reservation?"

Carolee nodded, suddenly finding a lump in her throat.  The man was beyond handsome.  He was tall and rugged looking, with piercing blue eyes.  Yet the smile wrinkles and dimples gave him a non threatening look.  

"And which one are you?" he asked.

"Which one?"

He gave a long suffering sigh and moved his fingers through his hair.  "Your name, please?"

"Oh, I'm Carolee."  

The man nodded and placed his hat on the side table.  "So Allison is the one?  The one... missing?"  At her nod, she squatted down and looked at the book, and then peered into the chest.  Marking the page in the book he stood up again.  "Right then.  I'm thinking Coloden."

Carolee frowned.  "Coloden?"

The man grabbed his hat and pushed it back onto his head.  "Yes.  Coloden.  That's the place.  Here, take my  hand."  He held out his hand to Carolee.  

You Choose:

1.  Carolee numbly takes his hand
2.  A loud sound comes from outside
3.  Carolee argues with the man

cleejh2002: (sunset)
2023-06-28 12:19 pm
Entry tags:

You Choose 7

 The handsome knight brought the sword before him in his two hands, crouched, and slowly stepped forward towards the monster.  To Allison, it looked like a huge Grizzly Bear, only uglier, with sharp teeth dripping saliva, red eyes, and talons as long as a man's arm.  She almost wet her pants in fear, hiding behind the tree, trying to make herself look as small as possible, yet squinting her eyes open so she could watch.

The creature roared up on his two rear legs as the knight again stepped forward.  Suddenly, the bear-like creatures arm swept forward and it's talons flashed through the air.  The knight spun, just missing a slash from the sharp pointed talons.  He thrust his sword forward and with a swinging motion, slicing the bear almost in two.  It cried out, it's innards splashing to the ground. The stench was great.  The knight thrust his sword one more time, into the creature's eye and the center of it's brain.  It quieted and stilled.

Allison screamed.

The knight turned quickly to glance over his shoulder. Once noting the fine lady was okay, he turned back towards the creature.  He cleaned his sword on the ground and slid it back home in his scabbard.  With a grunt he stood up and removed a small bottle from a pocket on the scabbard.  Opening the cork, he took out a pinch and threw a powder like substance over the corpse of the monster.  There was a white puff of smoke, and then the creature was gone.

Allison screamed again.

You Choose:

1.  A knock
2.  A key
3.  Vomit

cleejh2002: (weed)
2023-06-20 09:12 am
Entry tags:

You Choose 6

 Was that a sound?

Allison tilted her head, pursed her lips, and shuddered all at the same time.  Yes, that was a sound.  A scrape coming from the forest on her right. She turned and squinted into the dark. There it went again!  Was it a claw?  A leaf falling onto the hard ground?  She didn't know, but she was terrified.

Allison slowly crept over to the nearest tree and tried to conceal herself behind it as she peeked around the trunk towards the sound.

Her eyes were beginning to adjust.  Was that a shadow moving towards her?  "Hello?"  Allison softly croaked.  Then she blinked.  Was that a...knight?

Finally it/he/she?  appeared on the path from behind the tree.  It was a knight!  Clad in a dark colored grey armor, and holding a gleaming sword before them, the knight shuffled his way forward.  Then it halted, sliding the sword into a scabbard hanging on it's back, and propping up the face shield revealing a manly face. A handsome face.  "Oh," Allison gasped, and then quickly moved behind the tree again.  She closed her eyes and huddled, trying to make herself as small as possible and quiet behind the tree.  Then, suddenly, she felt a tapping on her shoulder.  She let out a muffled scream and leapt backwards, seeing the knight standing before her, an amused smile on his face.  

"I apologize for scaring you, fine lady. But whatever are you doing here?"  His voice was like velvet, and gave Allison goosebumps.  She opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out.  

Suddenly a roar filled the forest. The knight pushed Allison behind him, slammed down his face shield, and grabbed his sword all in one swift movement.

What happens next?

1.  A bear like creature emerges from the forest
2.  An evil knight emerges from the forest
3.  We quickly switch back to Carolee
cleejh2002: (Default)
2023-06-13 08:57 am
Entry tags:

You Choose 5

 

Allison opened her eyes slowly and grimaced.  She moaned and clutched her head.  She was dizzy and her head hurt just a bit.  Eventually, her surrounding came into focus.  It was dark.  Tall, menacing looking trees loomed over her.  It was quiet, eerily so.  No animal sounds.  No birds.  Not even a wind stirring the branches of the trees.

 

She got up from her kneeling position and wiped the dust off her clothes. Her mouth hung slightly open, in shock and awe, and maybe a bit of fear.  “Where am I?” she whispered.  She was utterly alone, deep in the center of a forbidding forest.  To say she was confused was an understatement.  Slowly she spun around and whispered, “Hello?”  Whispered, because she was afraid of who might answer.  “Carolee, are you here?”

 

No response.

 

You Choose, what happens next?

 

A.         A. Go back to Carolee

B.         B.  Allison starts walking

C.         C.   Someone, or something, approaches Allison from the forest 

cleejh2002: (scream)
2023-05-11 12:54 pm
Entry tags:

You Choose 4

 

Carolee followed her nose and walked over to the table.  She picked up a cookie and took a bite.  “Oh, these are good.”  She happily munched on a second.

 

Allison was curious about the living room.  She glanced at the pictures on the wall.  They appeared to be various photos of other tourists.  All looked happy, romping in the waves, digging sandcastles, or posing for family portraits.  She didn’t think any of the pictures were of the owners, but she couldn’t be sure.  Then she crept closer to the opened chest, peering inside.  It seemed empty.  “Weird,” she whispered to herself, before falling on her knees and looking at the open book on the floor.  She reached out and picked it up.  Immediately the room began to spin.  “Oh,” she cried out, attempting to drop the book.  But it was glued to her hand.  Her eyes widened as her vision blurred. She squinted, and tried to gather herself, read the pages of the book, stop the spinning, anything!  She tried to call out to Carolee, but she couldn’t speak.  She felt as if frozen inside of a spinning tornado. Then she heard a thunderclap, and all went dark…

 

Meanwhile, Carolee was poking in the kitchen, opening cupboards and drawers.  All appeared as it should be.  Where was the hostess?  Employees?  Anyone?  She turned and went back out into the living room.  “Allison?”  The room was empty.  Carolee frowned and moved to look out the windows, but the blinds were still firmly in place, and immovable.  “What the???”  Carolee called out for her friend again.  “Allison!”  Their luggage was on the floor where they had been placed.  Carolee tried the front door.  It was locked as if from the outside, and she couldn’t exit.  Now she was starting to panic.  “Allison? Were did you go?”  Carolee headed towards the stairs peering upwards.  Nothing.  She ran upstairs again, but all the doors were locked. There was nowhere for Allison to go.  It was as if she had just vanished.

 

You Choose.

 

A.       Continue with Allison

B.      A knock at the door

C.      Continue with Carolee

cleejh2002: (tea)
2023-04-19 09:42 am
Entry tags:

You Choose 3

 

Carolee rang the doorbell of the Bed and Breakfast, turning over her shoulder to grin at Allison.  After a minute or so, she rang the bell again.  Then she put her suitcase down and knocked, frowning.  “What the heck?” Carolee grumbled.  Knocking again, she took a step to see if she could peer through the window but the blinds were pulled.  Glancing at her watch, she told Allison, “Check-in is 3 pm and It’s almost 4 now.  They said they’d be here to greet us.”  Allison shrugged.

 

“You keep trying and I’m going to walk around,” Carolee said, pulling her cell phone out of her back pocket.  “Weird, no service.  I swear there was cell service when we pulled in.”  She moved around the corner of the house to see if she could find another door or window while Allison proceeded to knock.

 

Frustrated even more, Carolee came back around.  “I can’t see anyone, and all the window blinds are down.  Must be dark in there.” 

 

Allison raised her hand to knock again when the door suddenly cracked open.  “Huh,” Allison said.  “Must have been unlocked.”  She grabbed her suitcase and Carolee’s and slowly entered.

 

“Oh my, it smells good in here,” Allison said.  Carolee agreed, entering behind her.  It smelled like banana bread.  They could see fresh cookies on the table, and a tea pot with two cups displayed.  “Hello?” Allison called out.  Neither noticed how the door quietly closed behind them once they were inside.

 

Carolee walked around the house trying to see if she could find anyone.  All the other doors were locked, and she couldn’t find anyone.  Glancing around the living room again, they both saw a wooden chest in the corner of the room gaping open, and a book on the floor open to a middle page.

 

You Choose. What does Allison do next?

 Eat a cookie

2.        Pick up the book

3.        Peer inside the open chest

cleejh2002: (beach)
2023-04-17 08:56 am
Entry tags:

You Choose 2

 

Choose 2

 

A Bed And Breakfast On The Coast

+ + +

 

Allison giggled as her toes were swept up by the incoming tide.  She threw her arms up over her head, stretching and smiling up into the sun.  For a spring day on the Oregon coast, it was quite warm.  “It’s so beautiful here,” she exclaimed.

 

Carolee nodded.  “It sure is.  The beach has always been my happy place.”

 

They had arrived at their bed and breakfast a few moments ago, and instead of checking in, hurried out behind to the beach and the ocean.  They still had several hours of sun and wanted to greet the waves.  “So far this place looks as good as advertised,” Carolee said.  “I hope the inside of the place is as nice as expected!”

 

“Oh, I don’t even care,” Allison said.  “I’m just glad to be away for a while.”

 

Things had been rough for both of them.  Family stuff.  Work.  School.  It was time for an escape and a little adventure.

 

“Well, we best grab our bags out of the car and head inside to check in,” Carolee said, always the one on task.  But Allison agreed and they went back up to the drive and grabbed their luggage before going up to the door and ringing the bell.

 

You Choose:  Who answers the door?

 

1.        A little old lady

2.       A little old man

3.       No one

cleejh2002: (friends)
2023-04-13 11:43 am
Entry tags:

Choose 1

 

The Allison and Carolee Show

A Choose Your Own Adventure Story

 

Carolee was running around her bedroom and putting the finishing touches in her bathroom bag, packing for the trip. She was so excited. She could not remember the last time she had even seen Allison in person, let alone gone on an adventure with her.  Carolee had planned and schemed and made all the reservations, and she couldn’t wait to pull up out front of Allison’s house and surprise her with the trip.  Thankfully Allison’s parents were in on it with her and had told Allison some story about having to have her go stay with a sister, making Allison pack and get ready, without knowing the true cause of the trip.

 

It was always hard for Carolee to leave her dogs behind, Marcus and Maizy, but she knew their other mom, her sister Lynn, would take good care of them while she was gone.  She gave them both some goodbye kisses and treats, grabbed her luggage, and headed out to her car.  The SUV was a hybrid, so it got good gas mileage, was roomy enough for two dogs, and had blue tooth to connect to all the podcasts and music they’d want on the long drive.

 

Carolee calculated that she would be in Klamath Falls by noon.  She’d pick Allison up, they’d grab lunch on the road, and head out for the rest of their adventure.  Carolee grinned, turned on some road tunes, and headed out.

 

Where are they going? 

 

A.    1.  A haunted Hotel

B.    2.  The Grand Canyon

C.    3.  A Bed and Breakfast on the coast

cleejh2002: (sunset)
2023-04-04 10:12 am

Parents

 We have started to look at assisted living places for my dad.  The plan now is for our mom to move in with us, and dad to move into assisted living.  There are more resources here in Eugene, and there will come a time soon when mom won't be able to care for him anymore.  Financially it is better for just dad to move in to the facility, although the ones we are looking at allow mom to hang out as much as she wants, and even eat and do the activities with him.  Basically she can do everything but sleep there.  It's also what she wants.

I'm not sure dad is too gung ho about it all but there will come a time when we also have to consider what is best for him and mom.  Honestly, I think it will be great for him.  He will have more social interactions, 24 hour care by a nurse, and the places we've looked at are seriously like a cruise ship only not on the ocean!  Lynn and I want to move in!  

So far we have toured two places and have three more scheduled.  The plan is for us to narrow it down to the ones we like best, and then have mom and dad tour and pick the one they like.  He can go on a waiting list until he is ready, but if he waits too long he may not get his first choice.  We'd like them to move right away, and we can work on selling their house.  But my mom states she is capable now of taking care of him, and if he falls, "He can stay in a nursing home up to 150 days," so then he could move into the place we  pick.  Lynn and I don't like that scenario but we also have to let them keep as much agency as possible.  We will see how it all end up. 
cleejh2002: (book)
2023-02-15 09:56 am
Entry tags:

From the blog

 Reciprocity is defined as "being truly heard and seen by people around us, feeling that we are held in someone else's mind and heart." (Body Keeps the Score)

I've been thinking about that as I re-read Bessel Van Der Kolk's book. Almost every client asks me how I did it. How did I get to where I am today when it comes to healing.

It started with a puppy, Rupert. Even Bessel agrees that animals, especially dogs, cats, and horses, can provide that reciprocity that one needs to begin healing. That dog opened a place in my heart that I didn't even know existed. And that's when I decided I truly wanted to live.

Before that, I practiced isolation. I also was repeating cycles in relationships. I now believe my abuser was a narcissist, and I began to try and fix what went wrong by gravitating toward other narcissists. In those relationships, friendships, or however you wanted to define them, they were not able to give me reciprocity. Ultimately, I was not able to feel safe with them. We need to feel safe to heal. "For our physiology to calm down, heal, and grow we need a visceral feeling of safety." (Body Keeps The Score)

Trauma survivors often don't feel that way. We feel "other-than." We are isolated. We feel there is something wrong with us, and we don't feel safe even in our own bodies.

After I decided I wanted to live, I knew I needed help, and I began therapy. Slowly, I learned that isolating myself was not healthy. I needed to find safety in relationship.

That's where United came in. That's where Tom and Gay, and Susan and Wendy, and some of my other true friends provided me with reciprocity, a sense of "belonging," and safety.

Isolating oneself is the common ground and "go to" in surviving our traumas. We didn't feel safe, and we went inward. To come out of that, you need to be in relationship with others, but the key is those relationships need to be safe, and loving, and healing.

Find your people, and they will help you heal!
cleejh2002: (green tree)
2023-02-09 07:57 am

therapy

 I've started seeing Jo again, my therapist.  Just once a month.  But I've been in a funk since the holidays;  the conflict with my dad at Thanksgiving and his decreasing health, Lynn's new romance... it's just good to have her to talk to and give me reframing and perspective.

Speaking of, mom is having cataract surgery this weekend, so I am going to Reedsport to care for both her and my dad until Sunday.  

Next week, on the 17th, we are leaving for Mexico.  I cannot wait!  Viva La Mexico!!!
cleejh2002: (scream)
2023-01-03 08:39 am

Lynn

 It looks like Lynn has a new boyfriend.  She met him on a dating app.  He lives in Bend, so they have only seen each other a handful of times, but he stayed over last weekend.  It seems to be getting more serious.  She is always different when she is dating someone.  It's like she is... up an octave.  At least around him.  It definitely makes me feel like an outsider around them.  I'm the third wheel.  I HATE being the third wheel.  

He seems like a good guy.  He has a great job in Bend, working in a lab that is trying to cure cancer.  I don't know if this means if things progress whether or not Lynn will want to move to Bend eventually.  And I'll be alone again.

I hate feeling this way.  I know it is selfish of me, and perhaps it's about being jealous.  But I also don't want things to change, and that's not fair of me.

I guess we will see how it progresses.
cleejh2002: (weed)
2022-12-21 11:05 am

Fight

My favorite new quote is by Joan Baez, “Activity is the antidote to despair.”

 

It is very common for clients, me included at the time, to wonder why things don’t change.  Why do these bad things keep happening to me?  Why don’t things get better?  Why am I always sad?  What is wrong with me?  These are questions I used to ask myself all the time.

 

Fast forward to my life now.  It looks completely different.  New career, good friends, more contentment.  Sure, not everything is perfect, but I’m human, and perfection is a myth.  Yet, those questions I used to ask are not relative anymore.  Do you know what I think the answer was to those questions?  Me.  Things “bad” or “not good” kept happening to me, things didn’t get better, and I was always sad because I sat in front of the computer or on the sofa and was lost in my head and feelings.  There was nothing wrong with me, per se.  I suffered trauma, and that changes you.  It’s painful and stilting and breaking.  But one does not have to stay stuck there.  Like Baez said, getting up and off the sofa, “activity” helps.  I had to make changes.  Clients don’t like to hear that all the time.  I didn’t.  It seems impossible.  I didn’t have the energy.  I was exhausted all the time.  I was exhausted by pain, and it takes great strength to fight thru that.  But you can. 

 

It's not fair that we must fight.  It’s not fair that trauma was done to us and changed us.  I agree, none of that is fair.  I wish I could just dream a new reality into being for myself and my clients.  But it is not magic.  It is activity.  It is change.  That activity and forcing yourself to make new decisions and new choices, hard ones especially, is what is transformative.  It is life changing to develop new, healthier relationships.  It is life changing to switch careers, go back to school, and do what you were born to do instead of just what pays the bills.  And yes, I know you can’t figure those things out when you don’t know who you are. How can you know what your calling is if you don’t know who you are?  But you won’t find out who you are by sitting on the couch.  You find out by trying new things, meeting new people, and fighting.  Please don’t let the trauma win.  Don’t let the despair continue.  Fight!


cleejh2002: (Default)
2022-11-23 09:32 am

Thanksgiving

 For the last several years Lynn and I have hosted Thanksgiving at our house.  We love it.  We get a turkey and I put it on the Traeger.  So moist and yummy.  Then I make mashed potatoes, because dad doesn't like sweet potatoes, although Laura makes them and brings them.  Lynn roasts the veggies.  Mom bakes the pies.  Laura also usually makes a salad and brings the rolls.  If Aunt Rosalee comes, she brings a pie and a cheesy potatoes.  Obviously our family loves our potatoes.

But this year we are having it at mom and dad's house. Dad just doesn't like to travel anymore, especially stay the night away from his home. It's just too difficult for him, especially at night if he has to get up to use the bathroom.  If he falls, we'd have to call an ambulance.  It sucks seeing your parents get older. 

The menu will stay the same, only mom will be taking over Turkey duties, in the oven.  I'm sure it will be good, but... :(


cleejh2002: (Default)
2022-11-16 08:57 am

Finally over the ick

 Well, that ick was not fun.  I ended up going to urgent care, and they didn't know what it was either, but "perhaps viral."  All my tests came back negative.  Regardless, I can now say I'm at about 80%.  I think I might try to go back to the gym today.  I haven't been able to go in three weeks.  I also missed all last week at work, which makes me feel horrible because I hate letting my clients down.  But so far they all seem to have survived without me.  :)

This year we are going to my parents house for Thanksgiving.  We usually host, but my dad no longer feels up to travelling and staying over.  We understand, but it's a bummer.  In more ways than one.


cleejh2002: (Default)
2022-11-07 11:51 am

Ug

 Ug.  Came home from the conference with a cold.  Is it "starve a cold, feed a fever," or "feed a cold, starve a fever?"  Either way, I'm not feeling so well. But I'm wearing a mask and working because I missed all last week due to the conference.  :blows nose: